It's a fun life on a boat
by todd fan
Summary: Complete! The Acolytes finally get back home.
1. Baggage best left behind

It's a fun life on a boat

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "What kind of loon has guard alligators on his property! Dat ain't _right_!"

**&&&&**

Oh yes, it's another torture a group fic, this time, due to popular request, the Acolytes! Once again, you don't need to have read the rest of the series to enjoy this any jokes referring to the previous stories will be footnoted and explained. 'Aint that nice?

**&&&&**

Chapter 1 – Baggage best left behind

**&&&&**

"A **cruise**?"

Magneto smiled at his assembled Acolytes, a rarity in itself.

"Yes", he said, "well, I wanted a vacation, and I can't trust any of you alone in my house"

"Awwww, Magsey, I knew you loved us, really!", said Pyro, hugging his boss.

"Pyro. Get. Off. Now", said Magneto, pushing the Aussie off him, "don't make me change my mind"

"….This doesn't sound right", said Jason suspiciously, "you'd never spend money on all of us…"

"Won it in a contest. alright!", snapped Magneto.

"What **kind** of contest?", asked Remy. arching a brow.

There was a long pause.

"….I don't want to talk about it", said Magneto.

"Awwww, come on, Magsie", said Pyro, "tell us. We'll only find out in a humiliating way later on"

Magneto gave a defeated sigh.

"…I won it in a karaoke competition"

The Acolytes blinked at him as one, before collapsing on the ground in fits of laughter.

"Yes, har de har har", said Magneto, "it's all very funny. Would you rather I take you to a boarding cattery than bring you with me?"

"Not the cattery again!", sobbed Sabertooth, "the other cats pick on me!"

"Fine", said Magneto, "I expect you to all attempt to behave like civilised homo superiors, and not cause too much destruction"

"Ummm", Piotr raised a hand, "this 'cruise' does it mean we are to be going on a boat?"

"Yes, Piotr", sighed Magneto pinching the bridge of his nose.

"On water?", asked Piotr, "in the sea?"

"….What part of 'cruise' are you having problems with?", asked Magneto.

"I just get….", Piotr cleared his throat, "sea-sick"

"Then we'll pump you full of Joy Rides and be done with it", snapped Magneto, "I've bought your ticket, you're going!" (1)

"Oh…", Piotr looked at the ground, "….okay then"

"What are we going to do with **that**?", asked Jason, jerking a thumb at a rather large snow tiger which had padded in the room.

"Rabid can't come with us?", whimpered Sabertooth (2)

"Oh yes, I'm sure a six hundred pound tiger would go down a treat on a cruise ship", said Remy dryly.

"…It could happen", sulked Sabertooth.

'I already have somewhere for Rabid to stay", said Magneto, "we'll be going there before we leave"

**&&&&**

A few hours later, and the group were standing in a small patch of land outside New York.

"….You want to let Pigeon-Boy look after her?", asked Sabertooth moodily, putting an arm around his precious tiger.

"Now, Victor", said Magneto, "Worthington is quite capable of looking after Rabid. Besides, he has staff here"

"This is an alligator sanctuary!", snapped Sabertooth, pointing at a sign reading 'Cookies Cove', "he don't know how ta look after big cats!"

"I promise she won't die", said Warren, landing in the middle of them, then gave Sabertooth an icy glare, "I won't flush her down the toilet like **some** people do to peoples babies" (3)

"Oh, I'm never gonna live that one down, am I?", snapped Sabertooth.

"Guys, we'd better get moving", said Jason, "Piotr's pills are just taking effect. We want him on the boat before he makes a break for it"

"I feel happy, I feel happy", said Piotr, swaying slightly.

Sabertooth sighed, leaning down to bid his tiger goodbye.

"Now, you be a good kitty-witty for the Pigeon-Boy", said Sabertooth, nuzzling her, "who loves you? I do. Yes, yes I do!"

"Victor, stop it", said Magneto, "you're disturbing the alligators"

"Fine", said Sabertooth, then wiped a tear form his eye, "I got somethin' In my eye…"

"….I'm starting to think this wasn't a good idea"

**&&&&&**

The Acolytes were soon standing at the boarding area for their cruise. Their baggage had been sent off, and all that was left was to walk through the metal detectors. Unfortunately, Piotr, in his more-than-slightly drugged state, had reverted to his steel form, and could not be persuaded to change back.

"Piotr, you're next in line", said Magneto, trying to poke the steel back with his powers, to no avail, "you have to change back, now!"

"But I am happy like this", said Piotr, "I feel safe. Safe as houses that float on boats on the water"

"…Are you sure you gave him travel sickness pills and not something stronger?", asked Jason.

Remy shrugged.

"All de bottles look de same to me", he said, "I didn't t'ink it would matter"

"Oh great", said Magneto, "this means we have a seven foot five, five hundred pound Russian with impenetrable skin popped up on who-knows-what!", snapped Magneto, "and he'll get sea-sick now"

"Thanks a lot Remy", said Sabertooth with a sniff, "you're ruining a special time for all of us"

Pyro, meanwhile, had set off the alarm with his many lighters, and was currently fighting with the security officer, who was trying to put them in the little tray.

"Those lighters are my lifeblood!", sobbed the Aussie, "you can't take 'em, you **can't**!"

"Sir, this is a no-smoking ship", said the security officer.

"Who said anything about smoking!", asked Pyro, "I don't smoke. I only want to burn things.."

"He's only kidding", said Magneto with a forced smile, pulling the lighters form Pyro's hands, "he's an Aussie. They joke like that" (4)

"Give me back Susan!", sobbed Pyro, reaching desperately for his lighters.

"You may have them back when the trip is over, Sir", said the security guard, then turned as Remy poked him, 'yes, Sir?"

"Dis is a no-smoking trip?", asked Remy with a nervous twitch. (5)

"Yes, Sir", said the security guard, "we wish to keep the well-being of every one on board"

Remy let out a chocked sob, hanging his head as he followed Pyro.

"Dis is gonna be a long, long trip"

Meanwhile, Sabertooth had managed to manoeuvre Piotr to the metal detectors. Needless to say, the thing went off.

"Remove all items of metal, Sir", said the security guard, not even blinking, "any keys, cell phones, pagers…."

"**Look at him, you idiot**!", shouted Magneto, "he's covered in the stuff!"

"There's no need to get excited, Sir", said the security guard.

"I'm not, it's just….", Piotr hiccupped and reverted back to his human form, "ahh, there we go"

A few moments of attempting to manoeuvre a huge tank, even in human form, as Piotr was through the metal detector properly and the group were on their way again.

"Welcome aboard the Demeter", smiled one of the staff, waiting at the entrance.

"Oh, I feel so much better about this trip now", said Jason dryly. (6)

"Water", groaned Pyro, looking down at the churning sea, "why did it have to be water?"

"What water?", blinked Piotr, then looked down at the sea, going a shade of green that would put Toad to shame, "…oh…that water"

"Stay with it, Peety", said Remy, "we haven't even moved yet"

"I….am feeling very sea-sick", grumbled Piotr, "…my stomach is feeling like a separate entity" (7)

"Oh, yes", said Jason dryly, looking at Magneto, "this was a **wonderful** idea"

"Oh, shut up", snapped Magneto, "he'll settle down eventually"

**&&&&&**

(1) – Joy Rides are travel sickness pills, and are anything but joyful. Little pink things of bad-tasting death, laughingly labelled 'chewable'. My folks forced these down my throat as a child for every long car journey, despite my notoriously strong stomach (not counting boats, see below).

(2) – Rabid the tiger arrived on the scene in 'Teacher Training'. She was 'rescued' from a magic act by Jason and Sabertooth, and 'followed them home'.

(3) – Warren swore he'd make a 'Gator sanctuary in Teacher Training. Cookie was his baby/alligator. Sabertooth flushed her down the toilet by accident, and she now lives with Caliban.

(4) – No disrespect to the Australian people. You are, indeed, some of the best people in the world.

(5) – Remy smokes in the comics. There was one strip of him having withdrawal symptoms on an airplane. It was hilarious. 'I can quit any time!'.

(6) The Demeter is the name of the ship in Bram Stokers Dracula, the one that takes the Count to Britain. Lets say it's voyage ends with all the crew end up dead and the captain's corpse tied to the wheel. Nice.

(7) – This is how I feel on water. Yup, I get sea-sick. Badly. A 6 hour coach ride? Easy. A 8 hour airplane flight? No problemo. But put me on a boat for a measly hour and a half, and you'd swear I was at deaths door.

There we go! Now, as I'm entering assessment period in Uni, I can't promise very rapid updates, or very long chapters, but still... Do review. Until next time…


	2. Rooming up

It's a fun life on a boat

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "Oh, I could pass the test. But I like having low self-esteem. It makes me feel special."

**&&&&**

Chapter 2 – Rooming up

**&&&&**

"Okay", said Magneto as he looked at a piece of paper in his hand, "our rooms should be just down this corridor"

"Wait up for Petey", said Remy with a sigh, jutting his thumb behind him, where Piotr followed the ground on his hands and knees….at least he was staying in his flesh form now.

"I am looking at the floor. I am having a lower centre of gravity", he told himself, "this will make things better" (1)

"Piotr, will you please just stand up and walk?", sighed Magneto tiredly, "people are beginning to stare"

"Don't want to", sobbed Piotr, dropping to the floor with a thud, "please, leave me here to die"

"Okay", shrugged Pyro, starting to walk happily down the corridor, before being yanked back by Sabertooth, "what!"

"We can't leave him cloggin' up the corridor", said Sabertooth, "he's a fire hazard"

Pyro's eyes lit up.

"Really?", he asked, looking like a kid at a birthday party, "Ripper!"

Sabertooth sighed, grabbing Piotr by the arm and beginning to drag him after Magneto.

"Geez, Ruskie, you gotta loose some weight", he muttered, "thanks for the help, by the way, guys"

"I make t'ings go boom", said Gambit, "I don't do heavy lifting"

"Ironically, Piotr's the one we have for heavy lifting", said Jason, then blinked at Magneto's paper, "why are we sharing rooms?"

"Because the competition didn't spring for separate rooms", said Magneto, "all the lot of you have done is whine since we left, you'd swear you didn't want this holiday!"

"I don't", said Piotr from the floor.

"Me either", said Pyro.

"Non, a million times, non", said Remy

"I want to go home to my tiger", said Sabertooth.

"…This cruise means being near other people in a cramped space…..happy people", said Jason, giving a shudder, "it's my idea of hell"

"Well, you should have said so before we left", said Magneto.

"We did", said Jason, "repeatedly"

"It's too late now", said Magneto, then smiled stopping in the corridor, "here we are"

He handed out keys to his less-than-happy looking followers.

"St.John, you're rooming with Piotr", he said.

"Yey, the foreigners can have fun together!", said Pyro, hugging Piotr's head, "we can have a great time, mate, just you an' me"

"Please do not squeeze my head", groaned Piotr.

"Jason and Remy", smiled Magneto.

"….This is for that time I ate your turkey sandwich, isn't it?", asked Jason.

"I'm not dat bad", said Remy, "am I?"

"Do you really want us to open that can of worms?", asked Jason, scowling as he walked in, "don't communicate with me in any fashion, and I may not have to wipe out the tiny peanut you call a brain"

"Hey….did you just insult me?", blinked Remy, following him in, "I t'ink you did"

"Sabertooth, you're with me", said Magento.

"….Again?", said Sabertooth sadly, "….but you sing Cher songs in your sleep….."

Sabertooth paused.

"That's how you won that karaoke competition..isn't it?"

"**Silence!**", shouted Magneto, walking in, "no more talk of that!"

As the door slammed shut, it left only Pyro and Piotr. After a few moments, the elder of the two started to get a little, nervous.

"…What are you doing?", he asked, tilting his head from the floor to blink at the Australian.

"I'm waiting for the fire", said Pyro, matter-of-factly, "Vic said you were a fire hazard"

"….I think you are missing the point", said Piotr, who's eyes widened as the ship lurched forward as it began to move.

With a speed amazing to someone of his size, Piotr got from the floor, into their room, and into the en suite bathroom in a matter of seconds. Pyro blinked, following him in.

"Hey, you okay in there?", he asked, as sounds suggesting Piotr was not okay came from within, "okay, you're having a moment, I'm going to look for anything flammable, 'kay?...I take the violent puking sounds as a yes"

Pyro grinned, jumping around the room, looking for anything that might possibly catch on fire…maybe. To his disappointment, he found nothing that would directly set on fire…he would have to experiment later. Before he could put such a plan into thought, however, Piotr stumbled out of the bathroom, still looking queasy.

"Carrots", he said, "why is it always carrots?"

"It's one of the mysteries of the universe", said Pyro, then blinked, "didn't you get over to America on a boat in the first place? I'd have thought you'd be used to it by now"

"No", said Piotr, then sighed, "I remember it like it was yesterday. My little blue hat blew outside, and I went to get it. It was stormy, and a big wave blew me off the boat and into the sea, and I washed up in New York harbour, where a pigeon sang to me"

Pyro blinked at him for a few moments.

"Piotr….that's the start of An American Tail" (2)

"Oh", Piotr blinked, "then it must have been when I was sleepwalking on deck and…"

"**That's** Anastasia", said Pyro. (3)

"Then how **did **I get into America?"

"Same as me", said Pyro, "you were smuggled in a crate of lima beans"

Piotr groaned, lying on his bed, trying to burry his head under his pillow.

"I want this to end now"

"Would it help if I made soothing ocean noises for you?", tried Pyro

Piotr blinked at him for a full minute, but couldn't find a way to dignify that with an answer that wouldn't hurt his head. So, he chose to fall asleep.

**&&&&**

Remy, meanwhile, was carefully putting anything that wasn't attached to the wall into his trench coat pockets. Jason arched a brow, watching him.

"How does everything fit in that?", he asked, "is it like Mary Poppin's bag or something?"

Remy hugged his trench coat protectively.

"It just has a lot of pockets, okay?", he sniffed.

"It need cleaning", said Jason, "do you ever take it off?"

"If someone takes dis trench coat off me, dey would have to do it when Remy's dead", said Remy.

Jason arched a brow, before shaking his head.

"…Whatever", he said, "just don't bring it near me, in fact, don't come near me for this whole trip, and we'll be fine"

"It's a miracle you have any friends you know", said Remy, "you're not very friendly"

"Really?", asked Jason, "wow, Gambit, thanks for showing me the error of my ways. From this day on, I'll be a nicer, kinder Jason, who will give everyone a smile, and a cheery hello"

"Really?", blinked Remy.

"No", scowled Jason, stalking off out of the room, "not really"

**&&&&**

Across the hall, Magneto and Sabertooth were looking around their room. Or rather, Magneto was looking, while Sabertooth was sniffing.

"Victor, please don't scent mark anything", said Magneto tiredly, "I don't want to explain something like that to the management"

"I wasn't gonna", said Sabertooth, plucking at the wall with his claws.

"No clawing the furniture, either!", snapped Magneto, "or the walls"

"Should I sit quietly and do nothing then?", asked Sabertooth sarcastically.

"Yes, yes you should", said Magneto.

Sabertooth sighed, sitting on the floor, looking at the ceiling.

"There's a spider there", he said.

"That's nice", said Magneto, then blinked as Sabertooth made an odd chattering sound, "oh God, Victor, **NO!**" (4)

Too late, Sabertooth launched himself at the ceiling, missing it by miles, ending up crashing into the desk, making a huge crack in it.

"Bad cat, **bad cat**!", shouted Magneto.

"Sorry boss", said Sabertooth, wincing as he stood up, "but I'm hungry"

"Okay, fine", said Magneto, pinching the bridge of his nose, "we'll get food"

**&&&&**

"Doooo-dooo, wish, woosh, wish"

Piotr woke from where he **had** fallen asleep to the sound of ocean noises…in an Australian accent.

"Wooosh, woosh", said Pyro, his head hovering somewhere in the vicinity of Piotrs ear, before suddenly letting out a loud, "**CARK-CARK!**" (5)

"**Arrrgh**!", yelped Piotr, sitting up quickly, which did nothing for his already battered stomach, "….why did you do that"

"Oh, sorry, did I wake you?", blinked Pyro, then smiled, "boss says we're gonna go eat now!"

"Oh goodie", said Piotr, "…food….just what I need"

**&&&&**

(1) – Coming from someone with a lower centre of gravity: It doesn't.

(2) – Old movie. If you haven't seen it, you SHOULD.

(3) – Yeah, not that old. A great movie, none the less.

(4) – Cats make this noise when hunting, if you're wondering.

(5) – From the Simpsons. I've wanted to use that for so long somewhere.


	3. Making a meal of it

It's a fun life on a boat

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "Do not question me! I control your arms!"

**&&&**

Apparently, not everyone realises I am not American, and thus do not use American grammar, but use the British grammar which I have been taught to use. Just thought I'd clear that up.

**&&&&**

Chapter 3 – Making a meal of it

**&&&&**

A little while later, the Acolytes were eating their first meal on board. Sabertooth sighed, looking sadly at the piece of steak on his plate.

"How can this be considered a proper meal", he asked, "it's pathetic!"

"It's a proper meal for someone who doesn't belong in the 'predator' category", said Jason.

"Shadup", growled Sabertooth.

"Victor, behave", said Magneto, "people are staring"

The other guests dining were, indeed, staring at the table..but considering the people seated, it wasn't that surprising.

"They're probably staring at the monkey", muttered Sabertooth under his breath.

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that", said Jason, then sighed, "Erik, St.John is setting fire to the table"

"What?", blinked Magneto, turning to see Pyro had noticed the candles on the next table, and was currently playing with a ball of flame between his fingers. grinning like a kid on his eighth birthday, "**Pyro, stop it!**"

"I wasn't doing anything!", yelped Pyro, throwing the flame ball over his shoulder, hiding the evidence.

Unfortunately, the 'evidence' landed on the next table, setting it alight. The couple sitting at it screamed, jumping to their feet as they tried to put it out with their napkins.

"Oh, seesh, it's just a **little** fire", said Pyro, rolling his eyes at the inferno.

"Put. It. Out. **Now**", growled Magneto, the cutlery beginning to float, mid-air.

"Okay, okay!", said Pyro, giving a whimper, "don't hit me with forks again, please!"

He clicked his fingers, the fire puffing out of existence, much to the confusion of the couple.

"Well, so much for not drawing attention to ourselves", said Remy, plucking his spoon out of the air in front of him.

Indeed, the whispers of 'mutants' began.

"Oh great, thanks Pyro", said Magneto dryly, "what did I say? Low profile. **LOW!**"

"Well, I can't help it", said Pyro, "I'm not the only one, if ya haven't noticed Piotr hovering above his seat"

Magneto blinked, looking at Piotr, in his metallic form, floating a foot away from his chair.

"Oh", said Magneto sheepishly, putting Piotr down, "yes….well….right"

"Well, **that** helped my stomach", said Piotr dryly.

"Still feeling sea-sick, Peety?", asked Remy, grabbing another spoon.

"I feel like I am going to die horrible death", muttered Piotr, "My stomach feels like it is being squished by little men, and my head is being floating on a cloud of candied floss"

"So, you don't want your steak then?", asked Sabertooth, reaching over and stabbing Piotr's meat with a fork, beginning to eat it, pausing only to blink at his annoyed team mates, "what?"

"Manners, Victor", said Magneto, "we are not animals"

"I am", said Sabertooth, "and Jas is a monkey"

"I am not a monkey!", snapped Jason, "stop calling me a monkey!"

"**Why can't you see him through myyyy eeeeeeeyyyeeeees**", sang Remy. (1)

"I'll make you believe you have no genitalia for the rest of your life if you don't shut up now", growled Jason

"**Oh oobedoo, I wanna be like you hoohoo**", sang Pyro, "**I wanna walk like you, talk like you..**" (2)

Any further singing was cut off by Jason's eyes flickering, followed closely by Pyro and Remy holding their heads and screaming for their mothers.

"Mastermind, let them go", sighed Magneto, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"They started it", muttered Jason, his eyes going back to normal.

"Damn dirty ape", muttered Remy, rubbing his head.

"Stop acting like children", said Magneto, "I had less trouble taking the twins to dinner when they were six! Now, lets please just eat our food"

H paused, looking at the table.

"Where has all the silverware gone?"

"Remy's been pocketing it", said Sabertooth, his mouth full of meat.

"…….Remy, have you been stealing the silverware?", asked Magneto sweetly.

"No"

"Lying", said Jason.

"Hey, reading minds is an invasion of privacy!", yelped Remy.

"…..Do I **look **like Xavier?", asked Jason, arching a brow, "I have no morals when I read your…"

Jason suddenly paled, looking at Remy in disgust.

"That's just……..wrong", he said, shuddering, "oh God, it's stuck in my head!"

"….What did you do?", asked Sabertooth, blinking.

"Oh, I got a special image in my head for when people try to read my mind", said Remy, tapping his head, "works well, too" (3)

"You're a sick, sick, sicko!", said Jason, twitching slightly.

"You broke Jason", said Pyro, grinning, "cool"

Magneto gave Jason a prod, the illusionist falling to the floor with a thud. He blinked, then turned to Magneto.

"Remy, please put the silverware back on the table", he said, "I don't see why you have to steal everything"

"I'm de prince of t'ieves", said Remy, "it's what I do. It's why you recruited me, remember?"

"I thought Robin Hood was the prince of thieves", said Sabertooth.

"…..I'm just pretend I didn't hear dat", said Remy darkly, emptying his trench coat of cutlery, "okay, dis is what I do in withdrawal"

"It's not even been a day", said Pyro, "ya can't be **that** much of an addict"

"Says the guy who just set a table on fire", said Remy dryly.

"I withdraw my comment", said Pyro quietly.

"Look, it won't be that bad", said Magneto, "we'll be docking on some island in three days".

"Three days?", yelped Piotr, "we will not be seeing land for three days?"

"Oh, you'll cope", said Sabertooth.

"I won't", said Remy, then sighed, "Gambit need ta smoke"

"Oh, it'll do you the world of good", said Magneto, "you need to cut down, anyway"

"No, I don't", said Remy pointedly, as Jason struggled to his feet, "oh, he's back"

"I'm going back to my room", said Jason, "well, well away from the weirdo"

"You know, you'll only see me later when I get back", grinned Remy, "I can t'ink it all night for you"

"You're an evil little person", said Jason darkly.

"'Aint ya stickin' around fer the show, Jas?", asked Sabertooth, "it's an illusionist!"

"Oh an illusionist!", said Jason, in mock joy, "oh, how could I miss that? That's something I can never, ever experience in my life!"

"…..You didn't have to be sarcastic about it", muttered Sabertooth.

"He is Jason", said Piotr, "that is what he does"

"I'm missing it too", said Magneto, "I'm going to play shuffleboard"

"…….", said the Acolytes

"What? I'm allowed to be old sometimes!", snapped Magneto, then paused, "I like to win by using my powers and making to old ladies cry"

"That's more like it", nodded Pyro, then looked at Piotr, "you coming to the show, Peety?"

"...I would rather sleep", said Piotr.

"You can sleep in the show", said Pyro with a grin.

**&&&&**

(1) – From Cabaret, where the MC sings to someone in a gorilla suit.

(2) – I really shouldn't have to tell you where this song comes from

(3) – As seen in the last Gambit series. Lets say it's a result of a fire blast from Pyro a wind blast from Storm, and Blob not wearing a costume of unstable molecules. To quote Gambit 'consequently they (telepaths) are convinced I'm something of a weirdo'.

Oh, this is fun. Do review. Until next time….


	4. That's entertainment!

It's a fun life on a boat

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "That is the worst idea in the history of entertainment since Abraham Lincoln said, 'I'm sick of kicking around the house all day, let's go take in a show'."

**&&&&**

Chapter 4 – That's entertainment!

**&&&&**

In what had been laughingly called the 'entertainment suite', Sabertooth, Remy, Piotr and Pyro were waiting for the evening show. Piotr was staring at the table, still looking very ill, his eyes going out of focus.

"Come, on, Peety, you've gotta be feeling better by now", said Pyro, playing happily with the tables candle flame.

"No", said Piotr, "leave me alone to die"

"I knew we should have left him at home", said Remy, then sighed boredly, "dis better be a good show"

"You don't know a good show until you've seen Wolverine sing 'Oh What a Beautiful Morning' when he thinks no ones watchin'", said Sabertooth. (1)

Remy blinked at him for a few moments.

"That's frightening and more than slightly disturbing"

"I think I'm gonna have nightmares now", said Pyro, "thanks for screwing me up, mate"

"You were already screwed up", said Sabertooth, rolling his eyes, then grinned, "hey, the shows startin'!"

The curtain over the stage lifted to show a blonde woman dressed in a rather skimpy magicians outfit. Remy grinned, sitting up.

"Dis trip suddenly got much more interesting", he said.

"…..Are you just a walking sack of testosterone or something?", asked Sabertooth, "didn't ya get laid before ya left?"

"….Only a little bit", said Remy, "and it's been almost a whole day since den"

The woman, meanwhile, began her show, picking up a white rabbit from a cage on the floor. She waved her hands over it, and the rabbit vanished. A few seconds later, a rabbit appeared on each table in the room.

"….She's a mutant", blinked Pyro, poking a finger at their rabbit, which vanished with a pop.

"Man, Jas is missing out on a fellow illusionist, who happens to be a hot blonde", said Remy.

"Come on, she's young enough to be his daught…", Sabertooth trailed off

"Ooooh you t'inkin' what I'm tinkin'?", asked Remy

"You shouldn't wear white socks with a blue hat?", asked Pyro (2)

Remy blinked at Pyro, before shaking his head.

"I'm not even gonna dignify dat with an answer"

The crowd cheered as the real rabbit reappeared in the woman's arms.

"We're gonna have ta have a talk with her when she's done", said Sabertooth with a chuckle.

**&&&&**

Elsewhere, Magneto had won the latest round of shuffleboard and had, indeed, made a small group of old women cry. He'd been quite satisfied with himself until another woman had thrown a pair of granny panties at him and suggestively told him to go to her cabin in three minutes. Magneto had decided to beat a hasty retreat, and was currently taking refuge in the bar. He'd been sulking over a pina colada (a drink he'd never admit to liking in front of his team) when he heard a voice he never thought he'd hear again…again.

"Well, well, well, it's like the worms crawling out of the woodwork"

Magneto groaned, before turning to the speaker. There, in an evening dress she clearly wasn't comfortable in stood Haloway, next to her, much happier in a dress was Gelder, who gave a wave (3)

"Do you people stalk us or something?", he asked tiredly.

"Of course not", she said, "hello, Mr Maxmioff!"

"Actually, it's Lensheer", said Magneto.

Gelder blinked.

"….Then why are your children's surnames Maximoff?"

"…...Lets not get into that right now", said Magneto (4)

"So, did you bring those insidious creatures with you?", asked Haloway.

"The twins aren't here, no", said Magneto, "they didn't want to have a holiday with their father, They said it would be 'creepy and wrong'. My own…errr…colleagues are here"

"You mean the cronies you want to use to take over the world with?", asked Gelder.

"…….I prefer colleagues", said Magneto, "so, if you're not stalking us, why are you here?"

"We're on holiday", said Gelder cheerfully, "I won a karaoke competition, so I brought my best friend ever along!"

"Getting a holiday through a karaoke competition and only having people you work with to take along", said Haloway, "sad, isn't it?"

"…….I'm getting another drink", said Magneto.

**&&&&&**

Meanwhile, the illusionist had finished her show, and was stepping off the stage, packing her things up. Remy, Pyro and Sabertooth walked over to her, leaving Piotr where he was 'resting' his head on the table.

"Hello dere", said Remy, giving her his most charming smile, "My name is Remy LeBeau, pleased to make you're acquaintance"

The woman blinked at him, before putting her rabbit in it's cage, ignoring him completely. Remy blinked, used to women falling into a puddle of goo at that smile. He cleared his throat, giving it again…just to be sure.

"I didn't catch your name"

"I didn't throw it", she replied curtly.

"Excuse my womanising buddy", said Pyro, giving her a maniacal grin, "it's just, we noticed you were a mutant and wanted to clarify…"

"The sign **says** I'm an illusionist, Jackass", she replied, jutting her thumb at the sign advertising an illusionist, "it's a family thing..apparently"

Sabertooth smirked.

"That so?"

"Yeah, mom said my father's one", she replied, "the lousy-good-for nothing used his powers to seduce her, then ran off after she got pregnant"

"Oh…dis is fantastic", grinned Remy, slapping her back.

"Thanks for the sympathy", she said dryly, "**that's** how to get a woman into bed"

"Oh, let me tell him, please!", begged Pyro, "It can be my early crimbo present!"

"It might not even be him", said Sabertooth

"How man cynical monkey-like illusionist do you know?", asked Remy

"…….What are you bumbling idiots talking about?", she asked, as a few porters took her stuff away.

"Hey, chickie, what's yer name?", asked Sabertooth.

"Princess Consuela", she replied dryly, "no, really"

"Awww come on", said Pyro, "pleeeaaaaseee?"

"Fine, it's Regan", she said, "now get lost and leave me alone, you weirdoes" (5)

"Bagsie me telling him!", said Pyro, making a race for the door.

"No way!", said Sabertooth, running after him, "I want ta do it!"

Regan arched a brow, watching them go.

"I suggest you keep them off the booze", she said, then nodded to where Piotr seemed to have lapsed out of consciousness, "and get him to the doctor"

"Ahh, he's just got seasickness", said Remy, then blinked at her, "awwww, if dey are right, it's gonna really screw with my head, 'cause you're **very** hot"

"……Not too great with the compliments, huh, red-eyes?", she smirked, picking up her rabbit cages and walking off, "see you again, Ronny"

"Umm…dat's Remy!", he shouted after her, before sighing, walking over to Piotr, giving him a poke, "come on, lets go see de others freak out Jason"

**&&&&**

(1) – Hugh Jackman played Curly in the new version of Oklahoma. Whether I watch it, all I can think of is 'Why is Logan wearing a cowboy suit?'.

(2) – Pinky and the Brain moment, sorry. In my mind, a stupid answer is a companion piece to that question now.

(3) – Haloway and Gelder have been in this series from the first story, Sugar and Spice, though Gelder appears in every story, unlike Haloway, who hasn't been heard of for a while ;)

(4) – Okay, in the comics, they were adopted by the gypsy people, but in evo, it seems they grew up with their father…with Maximoff as a surname……strange, that.

(5) - Regan is a cannon character, though I've edited her personality to that of her evo father, rather than being like the cannon version. Her codename was Lady Mastermind. …You really shouldn't need anymore help now

Oh, fun fun fun! Do review. Until next time…


	5. Jason is fine

It's a fun life on a boat

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "Here's to alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems"

**&&&&**

Chapter 5 – Jason is fine.

**&&&&**

Jason had been reading in his room, happy for the peace and quiet he was getting from the idiots he had to call team-mates when Sabertooth, Pyro and Remy burst into the room. Pushing each other like school kids.

"I want to tell him!", snapped Sabertooth, "you **owe** me, Lebeau!"

"I do not!", snapped Remy, "if anyone deserves it, it's me!"

"But I wanted to do it", sniffed Pyro.

Jason arched a brow.

"What's the matter? They wouldn't let you play in the ball pool?", he asked, "aww, I'm sorry, but they only let the little children play there"

"…..I'm doin' it", growled Sabertooth, "he's got it comin'!"

"Tell me what?", asked Jason, arching a brow.

"Hey, Jas", grinned Sabertooth, putting an arm around Jason's shoulders, "I got a question fer ya"

"…..You're touching me", said Jason.

Saberooth sighed, removing his arm.

"Where were you oh, I don't know", Remy grinned, "nineteen to twenty one years ago?"

Jason blinked.

"……Okay, even for you, Gambit, that was a pretty random question", he said, "why do you care?"

"**BECAUSE WE FOUND YOUR LOVE-CHILD!**", screamed Pyro.

"Pyro!", snapped Sabertooth, "I wanted ta tell him!"

"Sorry, I couldn't' keep it in any longer", said Pyro.

"Go an' sit in the hall with Piotr's unconscious body", snapped Sabertooth, pointing to the door.

Pyro sighed sadly, moping out of the room. Remy, meanwhile, was poking a very still and wide eyed Jason.

"I t'ink we killed him", he said, "Jas? Earth to Jas. Dis is Earth, calling Jas. Come in, Jas"

Jason blinked a few times, before looking at Remy.

"…What did Pyro say just then?"

"That we found your love child", said Remy, "she's working as an entertainer on de boat"

"Oh **this** boat?", asked Jason.

"No, on the flippin' Minnow!", snapped Sabertooth, "she's getting' jiggy with Gilligan as we speak!"

"Don' worry, mon ami, she doesn't know you're here", he said, "her names Regan and she's blond and hot…which you're not"

"I used my powers to make myself look like Tom Cruise", said Jason, "it was quite a big hit…then I ran off"

"Jason, that's horrible!", said Sabertooth, "yer worse than Remy!"

"Remy told the last woman he slept with he was a pirate, due to set sail the next day", said Jason dryly.

"Well, I'm on a boat, aren't I?", snapped Remy, "so, Jason Wyngarde, you've just found out you're a father, what will you do now?"

"…..I'm going to get very, very drunk", said Jason, walking to the door.

"…You're not takin' it well then?"

"I'm fine", said Jason, "just fiiiiiiiine" (1)

"He doesn't look fine", said Remy as Jason walked out of the room towards the bar.

"Where's he going?", asked Pyro, from where he had been buffing the back of Piotr's head.

"He said he was goin' ta get very, very drunk", said Sabertooth

"Oh, I **love** drunk Jason!", grinned Pyro, "he's so much more fun than regular Jason" (2)

"Pyro, stay with Piotr", said Sabertooth, "I'll go talk ta Erik, Remy, you go make sure Jason doesn't do anythin' stupid"

"Woo died and made you boss?", asked Remy.

"The last punk that disobeyed my orders", snarled Sabertooth.

Remy sighed, walking off after Jason.

"Don't let Piotr be sick on the carpet", said Sabertooth as he stalked off.

Pyro sighed, grabbing one of Piotr's legs and dragging him back to their room.

"It's okay, Peety, we'll just make our own fun.

**&&&&**

"**YOU DID WHAT!**"

Sabertooth winced as Magneto glared at him. That was the disembowelling glare. It was not a good one.

"WefoundJason'sdaughterandtoldhimandnowhe'sgettin'drunk"

"Great", said Magneto, shaking his head, "just great. First the counsellors from hell, now this. I bet Charles doesn't have this sort of crap to deal with. Noooooo, he gets the good mutants. I'm left with the freaking rejects"

He sighed, standing and walking over to the other side of the bar, where Jason was downing another whiskey shot.

"Come, now, Jason, it's not that bad", said Magneto, "when I found out about the twins, it was a happy time"

"Your kids resent you", said Jason, grabbing the whiskey bottle form the barkeep, "they always have, and always will"

"I'm trying to help you", said Magneto, "…..are you using my tab"

"Yes. Yes I am", said Jason, "thanks, Mags"

"…..Great", sighed Magneto.

"This 'aint as bad as ya think", said Sabertooth, "think about it, family is great"

"No it's not. **My** father hated **me**", said Jason, "he was a power-hungry army man, who wanted to cure me. Then he blamed me for mom putting a power drill to her head. I didn't do anything!"(3)

Everyone took a cautionary step away from Mastermind.

"……Right den", said Remy, "I'm turning in for de night"

"Oh no, you're not", said Magneto, "you and Victor are going to stay with Jason until he: A: Stops drinking, or B: Falls unconscious"

"But", started Remy

"No buts", said Magneto, walking off, "you know what he's like when he gets drunk. I don't want a repeat of the incident with the lobsters"

"I t'ought de lobster t'ing was quite funny, myself", said Remy.

"Does anyone else want to steal some oranges?", asked Jason with a smile, "I want to steal some oranges"

With that, he got up and strolled happily out, whiskey bottle in hand.

"….This is gonna be a long night", sighed Sabertooth.

**&&&&**

(1) – From Friends. Ross is fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine.

(2) – Also stolen from friends. Swap Jason with Monica.

(3) – This is a nod to X2, where they decided to screw with continuity and make Jason William Stryker's son, who apparently screwed with his mothers head, and made her kill herself with a power drill. Nice, Jas, nice.

Well, another chapter done. Drunken Jason, yippie! Do review. Until next time…


	6. Mind games

It's a fun life on a boat

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "I feel trembly, oh so shaky, I've had whiskey and vodka and gin"

**&&&&**

Chapter 6 – Mind games

**&&&&**

Remy and Sabertooth had spent a rather large amount of their time chasing Jason around. Unfortunately, Jason was getting increasingly drunker as the night wore on, and thus a lot harder to catch. After an incident which involved a game of 'peanut football', the illusionist had used his powers to vanish, causing Sabertooth to resort to tracking him by nose.

"We're really lucky his illusions don't mask scent", said Remy.

"…..You mean **I'm** lucky", retorted Sabertooth, "you don't even sniff or anything"

"That's because I….."

_Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, Bananaphone_

Remy blinked, then looked at Sabertooth.

"Where's dat music coming from?"

Sabertooth looked at him as if he's grown another head.

"What music?" (1)

_Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, Bananaphone_

"Dat music", said Remy.

"I don't hear any music", said Sabertooth, "an' I'm the one with enhanced senses"

Fear suddenly crossed Remy's face.

"He's screwing with my head!", he screamed

_I've got this feeling, so appealing_

_For us to get together and sing, **sing!**_

Remy whimpered, holding his head in his hands, squeezing his eyes shut.

"Shut up, shut up, shut up"

_Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, Bananaphone_

"Hey….you okay, man?", blinked Sabertooth, as Remy started banging his head against the wall.

"Make it stop!", whimpered Remy, "**MAKE IT STOP!**"

_Ding, dong, ding, dong, ding, dong, ding doanaphone_

"**ARRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!**"

Sabertooth arched a brow as Remy started rolling around on the floor.

"Oh, stop bein' such a drama queen", he said, stalking off, "if ya didn't want ta do the work, ya could have just said so"

**&&&&**

Elsewhere on the ship, Piotr was slowly regaining consciousness. His vision was a bit fuzzy at first, and the rather nasty churning of his stomach was still there, though a little less nasty…probably because he hadn't eaten in hours.

"Oh, my aching…."

He paused in mid sentence, his vision becoming clear, focusing on what looked like a cuddly giraffe. Piotr blinked, shifting his head for a better view. As he did this, a cuddly weasel fell off his head, landing in front of him. Further investigation proved he was surrounded, and covered with, small, cuddly animals.

"Oh, you're awake", grinned Pyro maniacally, as if he grinned in any other way.

Piotr blinked at the furry things around him, then at Pyro.

"Wha?", he said, then tried to process his thoughts a bit better, "St.John, what is going on?"

"Well, duh! It's a beanie baby crime ring", said Pyro, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world ever

Piotr blinked again.

"…..Oh…..kay"

Pyro gave a frustrated sigh.

"Do ya know how much these babies are worth on EBay?", he asked, "a **lot**, that's how much. With all of these, I'll be a millionaire. I might even be able to buy me that volcano I always wanted"

He gave an excited giggle.

"Oh man, that would be so **ripper**!", he said, rubbing his hands together, "my own private volcano!"

Piotr frowned.

"….Where did you get all of these things?"

"Oh, I stole 'em from the gift shop", said Pyro, then considered, "and a few kids"

"You stole from children?", asked Piotr disapprovingly, "you are worse than Remy"

"I am not!", said Pyro, "it's going to be for the kids in the end"

Piotr frowned, trying to fathom this, and not having any luck.

"…..How?"

"I'll let them play in my volcano", said Pyro with a nod, "for free"

Piotr arched a brow.

"You are going to let small children play in an active volcano?"

"For free", added Pyro.

"It's ingenious", said Piotr sarcastically, "you are a real humanitarian"

"Why, thank you, Peety", smiled Pyro, "you can run it with me if you like"

"…..I think I will pass", said Piotr, lying back down.

**&&&&**

Meanwhile, sure that his team could deal with Jason, Magneto was relaxing by the pool. Well, that's what this cruise was for, after all. Him getting a break. Maybe he **should** have put the Acolytes in the cattery, it would have been easier for him.

"**Free the oranges!**"

Magneto only had time to blink before a cascade of oranges rained down from the upper deck, falling into the pool like giant citrusy hailstones. The other guests relaxing by the pool screamed indignantly as they were covered in water, or worse, had an orange land on their head. Magneto frowned, looking up as Sabertooth rugby tackled Jason to the ground on the upper deck.

"Who on earth are those hoodlums?", muttered one guy.

"No idea", lied Magneto smoothly, "people like that should be locked away"

_I heard that, bucket head. Oooooh you're not wearing your bucket, are you? Someone's not shielded from telepathy, are they?_

"Oh……crap", said Magneto, "ummm..Jason, you don't want to do this…"

_Oh, but I **DO**_

"Victor, for the love of all that is decent, do something!", snapped Magneto.

There was a rather loud **thunk** sound, before Sabertooth jumped down form the upper deck, and unconscious Jason slung over his shoulder.

"I knocked him out good, boss", he said.

"Good cat", said Magneto, fishing a small ball out of his pocket and tossing it across the deck, "there you go"

"**SPARKLY BALL**!", squealed Sabertooth in joy, dropping Jason and running after it.

Magneto watched him go in amusement then blinked.

"…..Damnit, I knew I should have given it him after he took Jason back"

**&&&&**

_Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, Bananaphone_

_Doop de doop de doop doop_

Remy had gone back to his room, and was currently curled in a little ball on the bed, twitching. The song wouldn't go away, it wouldn't. He'd even tried his telepathic-go-away trick, and it hadn't worked. Jason had telepathically told him he didn't know Remy swung that way, and boy, did he have some weird tastes, and just played it louder.

_Ping, pong, ping, pong, ping, pong, ping, pananaphone_

The door slammed open as Magneto dragged Jason's unconscious form into the room, dumping him on his bed.

"He is seriously in trouble when he wakes up", said Magneto, then blinked at Remy, "what's wrong with you?"

_It's no baloney_

_It 'aint a…._

Remy blinked. It had gone. The song had gone! Oh, happy day!

_Badger, badger, badger, badger_

"**Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!**"

It was going to be a very long night

**&&&&&&**

(1) – Inspired by the flash cartoon, Bananaphone, using the lyrics of the song with the same name by Raffi. It's so very good. 'Hey, he's stopped twitching'.

Woot, another chapter done. Sorry it was so late, with uni coursework, I had to put that in priority. Do review. Until next time…


	7. Land ho

It's a fun life on a boat

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "You fool! You gave cheese to a lactose intolerant volcano god!"

**&&&&**

Apologies for no updates. Had exam week. Got a whole week off now, though. Hazah!

**&&&&**

Chapter 7 – Land ho

**&&&&**

Jason woke the next morning with a splitting headache. It felt like he'd drunk far too much and….oh, wait…he had.

"Crap", he said, sitting up slowly, pausing as he heard a whimper.

He glanced to the other bed in the room, where Remy was curled up in a little ball.

"Please don't make the songs anymore", he said quietly, "please, please, please"

Jason blinked.

"Umm…..okay", he said, then winced, "I'm too hung-over to care, really"

"So, you too hung-over to care about de fact you're stuck on a boat with your love child, who probably despises you for abandoning her"

There was a long pause as Jason blinked at Remy.

"Oh, hell", he said, then took a deep breath, "no, it'll be fine. I just avoid her for the whole trip, no biggie"

_Attention all passengers_, came a voice over the tanoy, _I am afraid bad weather has forced us to dock near San Sebastian Island. I'm sorry for any incontinences this may cause you. _(1)

"It's official", said Jason, "life hates me"

Remy frowned, then grinned, snapping his fingers.

"I got a plan!", he said, "get dressed, we're flyin' de coop"

**&&&&**

"You plan to steal a lifeboat? Jeez, you **are** a klepto"

Half an hour later, and Jason and Gambit were walking along the deck, Remy trying to pick out a lifeboat. The Cajun turned to give Jason a glare.

"Do you want to get off de boat or not?"

Jason sighed.

"You're never going to pull this…..", he paused, "is that St.John and Piotr?"

Remy smirked.

"See, dey stealin' a lifeboat too", he said smugly, walking over, "room for two more?"

"Hope aboard", said Pyro, "avast ye!"

"Okay then", said Remy, "is dat Crazy Person for yes?"

"Shut up, or I'll ye ye walk the plank, mate"

Jason blinked inside the lifeboat.

"….Are those Beanie Babies?"

"Aye", said Pyro, then cleared his throat, "I mean yeah. I'm gonna use them to buy the active volcano on the island"

Jason watched him for a very, very long time.

"…..No. There's just no logical comeback to that"

"Jason, if you try to think too much about Pyro and logic together, your brain will implode", said Piotr, jumping in the boat.

"And you're escaping why?", asked Remy.

"If I spend one more second on this boat, I vomit my own stomach lining"

"……Lovely", grimaced Jason as Remy lowered their boat into the water, making for the island.

**&&&&**

"What do you mean 'they're gone'!"

Sabertooth shifted uneasily from foot to foot.

"They left, I can't fine 'em anywhere, Erik"

Magneto sighed. Great, almost all of his team had gone AWOL.

"I knew I should have stuck with the Brotherhood while I still had the chance", he sighed, "but for some unfathomable reason, I believed an older team would be more mature. **HAH**! Joke's on me, isn't it? **Isn't it!**"

"Uummm….is that question for me?", asked Sabertooth.

Magneto sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"It's these idiots that are going to make me want to start drinking in the mornings"

"Don't bother, it'll only make you cry at night"

Magneto turned to see Halloway glaring at him.

"Your idiots stole a lifeboat", she said, "I saw them rowing towards the island"

"…..Oh great", said Magneto, "just great"

**&&&&**

On the Island, the other Acolytes watched in some amusement as Pyro carted around his Beanie Babies, trying to find someone he could buy the volcano from.

"Come on, I'll give you the whole collection, they're a goldmine", he told one native, "more valuable than a silly volcano"

"I don't won the volcano, you crazy foreigner", said the native, narrowing his eyes, "go away"

Pyro frowned, watching the man walk off. He let out a sigh, before smirking.

"Well, If I can't **buy** the volcano, I'm gonna go claim it in the name of Allderdyce", he said, then looked at his team mates, "people can do that, right?"

"….Ummm…", began Piotr, looking much healthier now he was off the boat.

"Don't dignify that with an answer, Piotr", said Jason, "just don't"

"Look after these", said Pyro, handing the Beanie Babies to Piotr, "you won't steal them like Remy, or flush them down the toilet like Jason"

He looked at the other two pointedly.

"**You're** trustworthy"

He was answered by a metallic hum as one of the street lamps bent.

"Uh oh, busted", said Remy as Magneto hovered onto the island on a metal table, Sabertooth clinging to it for dear life.

"I leave you alone for five minutes, and you escape to an island", snapped Magneto, "I can't take you anywhere. This is the last trip I take you on!"

"Dude, we're not your kids", said Remy.

Magneto paused in mid rant.

"Oh", he cleared his throat, "I'm still very upset you ran off. Now, get back on the boat"

"Nooo", cried Piotr, "Not the boat. I just ate solid food. I don't want to be going back on the horrible boat"

"I'm hiding from my daughter", said Jason, "whom I don't plan to meet, ever"

"I want to buy the volcano!", said Pyro, pointing at it.

Magneto blinked, then looked at Remy, who shrugged.

"I'm just here 'cause I got bored"

Magneto sighed, hanging his head.

"Ten minutes"

"**YEY**!", said Pyro happily, "I'm gonna make me a flag, climb the volcano, and claim it as mine"

He gave a happy smile.

"Mum will be so proud"

"How will your father, The Fire-fighter, feel about it?", asked Remy, crossing his arms (2)

Pyro visibly twitched, before scowling at Remy.

"Next time you bring that up, I'll make you come a gutser with a bush telly and some kero, you lair, then you won't be grinning like a shot fox", he said in the darkest tone he could muster, "You mongrel" (3)

Remy blinked several times.

"You do what with the when and the who now?"

Pyro mealy pointed a finger steadily at Remy's face.

"He's frightening me", said Remy, then paused as a rumbling noise began, "oh God, he's started the volcano off!"

"Remy, don't be stupid, St.John can't set volcanoes…."

He trailed off as the volcano erupted, lava spewing from the top.

"….Oh"

"I didn't do that", said Pyro, "honest, I didn't!"

"The volcano is erupting", said Sabertooth, "**THE** **VOLCANO IS ERUTPING!**"

"I can see that, Victor", sighed Magneto.

"Whatdowedowhatdowedowhatdowedo?", mewed Sabertooth

"Victor, you're panicking", said Magneto calmly.

"**Take evasive action, take evasive action!**", screamed Sabertooth, running around in circles (4).

"Oh, he copes** real** well under pressure", quipped Jason.

"Don't cats have nine lives?", smirked Remy.

Sabertooth gave him a glare.

"I used up lives one through seven, I'll have you know", he growled, "I'm hanging onto my remaining lives. I haven't done everything I wanted to do before I die yet: Eat the worlds biggest hot dog, spit off the top of the Eiffel Tower, lob Logan's head off…"

"No one is going to die", said Magneto

"You mean the boiling river of lava won't kill us?", asked Piotr.

"I know!", said Pyro, suddenly couching under a picnic bench, "duck and cover! Come on guys!"

"Well, here marks a perfect end to a perfectly miserable existence", said Jason, crossing his arms, "I'm not even going to say it couldn't get any worse, 'cause it couldn't"

"Aren't we Mister Positive?", snapped Remy.

"I'm sorry", said Jason bitterly, "I've had a crappy few days, I have a right to be sarcastic"

"You're **always** sarcastic!", pointed out Piotr.

"Well, I hope you're happy now we're on land, Pete", said Sabertooth, "This is your fault!"

"How is it my fault?", asked Piotr, "I didn't ask you idiots to come with me!"

"Why isn't anyone ducking and covering?", asked Pyro from under his picnic table, "there's room for everyone. Except Remy"

"We're all going to die", said Remy, then sighed, "Gambit never t'ought he'd go out like dis"

"No one is going to die", repeated Magneto, "Look, the X-Men stopped this volcano, what's to say we can't?"

"Because there's more of them, they have better powers, and are better trained than us?", asked Pyro

"They have the lava-girl", said Remy, "all we got is Pyro"

He blinked, then let out a sob.

"Oh God, we're doomed!"

"You know, you're making me like you less and less", said Pyro, "keep insulting me, you'll end up cactus" (5)

"Can you stop a volcano?", asked Jason, "because last time I checked, you only controlled fire, not lava"

"I might", said Pyro, "I never had the opportunity to try before"

"You know what, screw this, I can fly", said Magneto, hovering, "duck and cover all you like, I'm going to get a better team. A better Acolytes. One that works!"

"You can't abandon us!", said Sabertooth, then paused, "okay, you can abandon **them**, but not **me**. I've been your loyal friend-slash-pet for years!"

"I'd rather have Wolverine", said Magneto, "he doesn't cough up hairballs"

With that, he floated back to the ship.

"He abandoned us", blinked Remy, "I can't believe he abandoned us!"

"I can", said Jason, then sighed, crawling under the table with Pyro, "well, if I'm going to go, I'm going to go with dignity"

"And you'll do dat by hiding under a table?", asked Remy.

"……Shut up, Gambit"

**&&&&**

(1) - San Sebastian is the island in Cruise Control, if it sounds familiar. Oh yes.

(2) – Pyro's father was revealed as a fire-fighter in Slugs and Snails. He wants his son to follow in his footsteps. Neither parent (his mother is a pyromaniac, released from an 'institution') knows of Pyro's mutation.

(3) – Translation: "Next time you bring that up, you man who dresses and acts in bad taste, I'll make you have an accident with a bush fire and some kerosene, then you won't be so smug. You despicable person.

(4) – From Zathura: A Space Adventure. Great evasive action, there.

(5) Cactus: Dead, deceased, ceased to be.

Another chapter done. Will the Acolytes survive? Will Magneto save them? Will Pyro make good on his promise? Why am I asking these questions? I do not know! Do review. Until next time…


	8. Deserted

It's a fun life on a boat

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "Aww, Gilligan screwed it up. Why don't they just kill him?"

**&&&&**

There are more desert island gags in this chapter than you can shake a stick at, so instead of footnotes, have some fun, and try to find them all

**&&&&**

Chapter 8 – Deserted

**&&&&**

"Far off in the Mediterranean, five mutants were sitting on a deserted island. How they got there, was a story no one knew, some say they got there by magic, some say they were born there, some say.."

"Pyro, the residents of San Sebastian dumped us here after we made the erupting volcano even worse and destroyed half of their town"

Pyro blinked at Jason.

"Way to ruin me making the situation seem better, Jas", he sniffed.

"How can this situation be **ANY** better?", snapped Sabertooth, "it's your fault anyway, you crazy-ass pyromaniac!"

"Well,** I** didn't think that their houses would be so flammable", said Pyro, "considering how close they live to an active volcano, you'd think they'd know better"

"I think they should have accepted it was a mistake", said Sabertooth, "I mean, the thought was there! Heck, an' the X-Geeks got treated like royalty!"

Jason shook his head.

"Yeah, and Piotr's idea of throwing a bus in the flow of the lava to stop it was just a stoke of genius", he replied dryly.

"Dey did hit him on de head good", said Remy, "I don't t'ink he's working right"

"Hello, Wilson", said Piotr, patting a volleyball with a smiley face painted on it, "how are you being today? I am good"

"Well, at least he isn't seasick anymore", said Pyro optimistically, "cheer up, guys, I bet our cruise ship'll pick us up any day now"

"You mean de cruise ship dat sailed past half an hour ago?", asked Remy.

"…..It might come back", said Pyro meekly, then smiled, "hey, wouldn't it be great if this was Fantasy Island? I would wish for a billion Zippos!"

"…Yeah", Jason shook his head, "you mean before wishing us** home**?"

"What home?", asked Remy, "Mag-nutso kick us out, remember?"

"I don't like to think about it", sniffed Sabertooth, "years of service for nothing! Not even a fancy pen!"

"Okay, people, pull yourselves together!", said Remy, "we gotta survive here, an' find a way home. Any ideas?"

"We can rope together some sea turtles and make a raft!", grinned Pyro.

Remy blinked.

"Dat was the Pirates of the Caribbean", he said, "and it wasn't even true in de movie"

"Yeah, but did they** prove** it was impossible?", asked Pyro.

"…We're all going to die", said Jason.

"Look, we're not going to die", said Remy, "if TV taught me anyt'ing it's dat dere's always a way to survive being stuck on an island"

"Oh, what a fool I feel for not watching those episodes of Lost", said Jason dryly.

"Or Gilligan's Island", said Sabertooth.

"Dat's it!", said Remy, "Piotr can be Gilligan, I can be de handsome professor everyone wants to sleep with, Sabertooth can be de Skipper, Jason can be de millionaire and St.John can be Ginger"

Pyro blinked.

"Isn't Ginger a woman?"

"Shut up and go cook us dinner", snapped Sabertooth.

"With what?", asked Pyro.

"I don't know, find something!", said Sabertooth, "or I'll eat you!"

"Touchy!", sniffed Pyro, walking off to find something they could eat.

"I thought they never got off the island", said Jason.

"Dat's just a minor detail", said Remy.

"What is that, Wilson?", said Piotr, "yes, yes I do like cheese in a can"

"….Let's hope we get off here before the Iron Giant here loses it and kills us all in our sleep", said Jason.

"If he doesn't, we can always hope King Kong comes around", said Sabertooth, "we can appease him with you, Jas. He'll never know the difference. He'll take you as his monkey bride, and his slaves will give us a boat and send us home. Then we'll all live happily ever after"

"….Have you been drinking the sea water again?", asked Jason, "I told you not to do that. And **I am not a monkey!**"

"I say we vote Jason off de island", said Remy, "he's de only one of us dat's completely useless"

"I'm not useless", said Jason.

"Oh really, what are you going to do?", asked Remy, "make an illusion of a raft? Dere's no way your powers can help us survive in any way!"

"Oh leave him alone", said Sabertooth, "if things get bad, we'll eat him first"

"Wilson does not agree with the violence", said Piotr with a smile.

"Fine", said Jason, "then I'm not going to fix Piotr, and he'll talk to that volleyball until you're all dead, you can't kill him because you can't break steel"

"…..Damnit, he's got us", said Remy, "you're a snake in de grass, Wyngarde, you know dat?"

"Yes, yes I do", smiled Jason, "thank you"

"….I knew I shoulda stayed at home", grumbled Sabertooth, then sniffled, "an' my tinkle balls still on the ship"

"You know…death isn't such a bad idea", said Jason, watching as Sabertooth burst into tears.

**&&&&**

The hours passed as the Acolytes tried to amuse themselves. Jason had finally caved and 'fixed' Piotr, but the Russian still refused to let go of Wilson the Volleyball. They just let him have it, why not? It's not like it would hurt anyone…

"Where did he get that thing, anyway?", asked Jason, looking up from sand tic-tack-toe.

"I think he swiped it off the guy who beaned him", said Remy.

"Where's that crazy Aussie with our food?", snapped Sabertooth, "I'm hungry!"

"I'm here, I'm here", grumbled Pyro, walking out of some bushes, "seesh, keep your pants on"

He put a pile of bags in front of them.

"Here you go"

Piotr blinked at them.

"McDonald's?"

"You'd prefer BK?", asked Pyro, "'cause I can go back if you…..what?"

Sabertooth twitched.

"There's a McDonalds here?", he asked, "on the desert island?"

"Yeah", said Pyro, "about a mile that way, there's a town and stuff. They've even got a bowling alley"

"…..And you didn't come back to tell us this because…..", prompted Jason.

"I thought you were having fun playing Swiss Family Robinson or something", said Pyro with a shrug, "so I went to watch a movie in the cinema, and then I played in the laser-tag place"

He smiled happily.

"It was ripper, I beat this ankle biter, hands down!"

Sabertooth took a long, deep breath, stood up, walked to a tree and began clawing it to pieces.

"Does this look like fun to you, Allerdyce?", asked Remy.

"I'm still mad at you", said Pyro, "and you called me a girl. Yeah, the town people, they watch TV! Ginger's a girl!"

"I know, you jackass", said Remy, "and I don't even care"

"Just take us to the town, Pyro", said Jason tiredly, "so I can find a bed and pretend I had a decent life instead of this really, really crappy one"

"I don't think I should", Pyro pouted, crossing his arms, "you people are always really mean to me! And I…**eep**!"

He squeaked as Sabertooth picked him up by the scruff, throwing him in the direction he came from.

"Okay, okay, I'm going, I'm going"

"I will carry the food then, yes?", asked Piotr, balancing Wilson on his shoulder as he carried the food bags, following the team off to the town.

**&&&&&**

Did you find them all? Do review. Until next time..


	9. Damned dirty ape

It's a fun life on a boat

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "I sure do love the yelling channel".

**&&&&**

Chapter 9 – Damned dirty ape

**&&&&**

"Well, it had to happens eventually", said Remy in wonder, "for once, St.John was actually useful"

"I'd mark it down on the calendar", said Sabertooth, "it probably won't happen ever, ever again"

The group were walking through the village, which appeared to be some sort of tourist trap, with peddlers on the streets selling their wears, or advertising shows.

"Great a show, just what I need", said Piotr sadly.

"You're just upset dat dose kids stole your volleyball", said Remy.

"Wilson's in a better place now", sighed Piotr.

"I say we just check into a hotel, then all go our separate ways", announced Jason, then smiled, "I can go back to Italy, I don't have to hang around you guys anymore!"

"Don't you want to see your daughter?", asked Piotr.

"**Hell**, no!"

Pyro looked sadly at them.

"You mean we're all just gonna split up?", he asked, "but…we're a family. Yeah, a dysfunctional screwed-up one, but show me one family that isn't!"

"Oh, you just don't want to go home and have to become a fire-fighter", said Sabertooth.

Pyro whimpered.

"Oh that's right, Victor, make me feel worse!", he said.

"Before you start crying, hand over our cash so we can go to a hotel", said Jason.

"Ahh…about that", Pyro winced, "well, between buying the food, and the cinema, and the laser tag, and the new Zippo lighter…."

"…You spent all our money?", Sabertooth twitched, "**he** **spent all our money!**"

"Victor, don't kill", said Remy, "look, I can get us some money.."

"Don't even think about it, Not-So-Artful Dodger", said Jason, "this is a small island, if you get caught, we go to jail"

"Do not pass go, do not collect two hundred of your American dollars", said Piotr, then blinked, "what?"

"I won't get caught", sniffed Remy, "I'm de prince of de T'ieves Guild! I was trained by Fagin!" (1)

"Funny, you don't come off as someone who grew up in Victorian London", said Jason.

"…..Shut up", said Remy with a growl, stalking off, "you won't be so smirky when I got us some money!"

As the Cajun stormed off, Pyro, ever one to be distracted by 'pretty things', wandered off to one of the billboards, announcing various evening entertainment to be found on the island.

"Hey, guys, lookit this!"

"Unless it's promising free shots of tequila, I'm not all that interested", said Jason.

"Bobo, the roller-blading chimp", read Piotr, then blinked at picture of the sad looking animal, "poor guy"

"Hey", grinned Pyro, "he looks just like Jason!"

"No he does not!", snapped Jason, "that is a chimp, an ape. You keep reiterating that I look like a monkey, therefore, I can't look like a chimp. **HAH**!"

"……Are you even listening to yourself?", asked Sabertooth.

"How much do you want a telepathic lobotomy?", asked Jason, "really?"

A vendor nearby walked over, a huge grin on his face.

"Americans?"

"No, actually", said Sabertooth, "I'm Canadian, he's Australian, he's Russian, and the monkey-guy's from…umm…Italy…or England, I forget"

"The only American we've got has gone off to get himself in trouble", said Piotr.

"Oh", the man frowned, "but tourists, yes?"

"We're tourists with no money", said Jason, "go away"

"Awww", the vendor looked sad, then pointed at the Bobo sign, "no show now, it's been cancelled. Some animal rights protestors broke in and set them all free"

"Awwww", said Pyro happily, "hear that, Jas? Your doppelganger is free!"

Jason visibly twitched.

"I'm going to leave, now", he said, "if I ever run into you people again, it will be too soon"

Piotr blinked at Jason stalked off.

"And then there were three"

Pyro glanced over at Sabertooth and Piotr hopefully.

"We'll stick together, right?", he smiled, "it can be like the odd couple, and Sabes can be our cat! **Do do do de do de do**"

"First of all: just, no", said Sabertooth, "and second of all, that's the theme tune to Bewitched, you idiot"

"I am going to find out if I can smuggle myself back to Russia", said Piotr starting to walk away.

"**PLEASE!**", cried Pyro clinging onto Piotr's leg, stopping him from moving, "I can't go back and live with Dad! **I can't live a lie!**"

"Then live somewhere else", said Piotr, shaking his foot, sending the Aussie flying down a steep hill.

Piotr paused, watching him bump on some pointy rocks before hitting the bottom.

"Umm….if anyone asks….he tripped, da?"

"Fine by me", said Sabes, "come on, Petey, lets go see if Remy's got any cash yet"

Dow at the bottom of the hill, Pyro opened his eyes. Hey, he wasn't dead. Ooooooh his head hurt though.

"**For bonza car insurance deals, Girls get on to Sheila's Wheels**", he sang dazedly, before blinking at someone standing by him, "oh, **there** you are!" (2)

**&&&&**

"I can't believe we lost Gambit", said Sabertooth, as he and Piotr walked the streets, looking for him, "I mean, how hard is it to find a Cajun with red-on-black eyes? They aren't exactly a dime a dozen!"

"Hey, guys, wait up!"

"Oh no", Piotr sighed sadly, "St.John regained consciousness"

They paused, watching as Pyro ran up to them, dragging someone along behind them.

"I found Jason!", said Pyro proudly, "see? I** knew** he wouldn't abandon us!"

Both Sabertooth and Piotr looked down at Jason. Then at Pyro. Then back at Jason again.

"…..Pyro", Piotr wasn't sure how to put this, "….that's a chimp"

"No, it's Jason", said Pyro, "you know he doesn't like being called that"

"No, it's a chimp", said Sabertooth, "… a chimp with a coat on"

Pyro blinked, then took a closer look at 'Jason'.

"Oh", he said, "…that explains why he wanted to groom me"

"This must be the one that got released", said Sabertooth, "maybe there's a reward goin'. We could get some cash…."

"No!", said Pyro, "I like Little Jason. I want to keep him"

"We can't take a chimpanzee home with us, St.John", sighed Piotr.

"Why not?", asked Pyro, "Victor took home Rabid from his holiday, why can't I have a pet too!"

"Because we don't want dangerous wild animals in our home", said Jason, walking up to them, "….turns out, there's no way off the island after six"

"Awww, so you came home!", smiled Pyro, "we're a family again! And with Little Jason, we have more!"

Jason arched a brow.

"Little Jason?", he asked, then looked down at the chimp, "……please tell me I hit my head, and this is a really bad self-induced illusionary nightmare"

"Afraid not", said Sabertooth, then turned to see a couple of squad cars heading in their direction, "oh, just great, just great!"

"Stop where you are!", came the police loudspeaker, "you are under arrest for possession of a stolen animal!"

"This is why we can't take you anywhere", growled Sabertooth, shooting Pyro a glare.

**&&&&**

Pyro sighed sadly, sketching another notch in the wall, one of many.

"It's hard to believe how long we've been here", he said, shaking his head.

"Two hours", said Remy, "three, for me"

"So much for the 'Prince of Thieves', huh?", smirked Sabertooth.

"Shut up!", snapped Remy, "Piotr, why can't you just smash the bars?"

"That would be breaking the law", said Piotr, "and that is wrong"

"……You really should have just joined the X-Men", said Jason, "no, really, you should"

There was a metallic hum as the bars shuddered.

"No one is joining the X-Men".

Sabertooth looked up and clapped his hands in glee.

"Magneto, Magneto's back!", he cheered.

"You came back for us, Boss!", said Pyro, "oh, you are a good man, a kind man , a handsome man"

"Precious", whispered Sabertooth with a smirk.

"And you're precious … ", said Pyro (3)

"……Okay then", blinked Magneto, then sighed as an officer opened the door, "I bailed you idiots out after I got a telegram. You'd better get out before I change my mind"

"Back to the boat", Piotr sighed, "well…land was good while it lasted"

**&&&&**

(1) – Yeah, Remy's trainer, canon wise was called Fagin. Zero points to Marvel for originality, there.

(2) – I don't know if this car insurance jingle is used anywhere out of the UK (or even in Australia, for that matter) but a fun jingle it is. The kind you can't get out of your head once it's in there. My Mum **HATES** it, and I delight singing it to her to annoy her.

(3) – From Muppet Treasure Island. Clueless Morgan rocks.

And there we go, that's a lot of built up insanity released in this chapter. Not good, when uni work stops me from writing. Do review. Until next time…


	10. Fun for all the family

It's a fun life on a boat

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "Oh, Papa, we thought you'd been run over by an elevator"

**&&&&&**

Hey all, I'm heading off tomorrow on a craptacular field trip, and so won't have any net access until Monday, so if I don't reply to any emails, that would be why. Only a short chapter today, as I really should be packing my stuff up.

**&&&&**

Chapter 10 – Fun for all the family

**&&&&**

The next morning, and all the Acolytes were back on the Demeter again, much to the distress of most of the members, currently sitting down to breakfast in the dining room.

"I can't believe I agreed to get back on this cursed boat", said Jason.

"Neither can I be believing this", said Piotr, looking very ill once more, "I had just been getting better too"

"Eat something, Piotr, I'm sure you'll feel better", said Magneto, "but don't each too much, your bail cost more than your miserable hides are actually worth"

"It feels so nice to be loved", said Remy dryly.

Piotr looked at the toast in front of him.

"It has brown goo on it"

"That's vegemite, mate", said Pyro, grinning, "manna from heaven, it is"

"……I think I would rather have butter", said Piotr, grimacing, "my stomach is not being fit to experiment with new foods"

"Look, Mate, it's easy", said Pyro, grabbing his toast, "ya have to spread the vegemite reeaaaaaly thickly to get it right"

Piotr groaned.

"…I think I'm going to be sick"

Pyro rolled on the floor in laughter.

"Oh, man, you foreigners fall for that one every time!", he giggled, "stupid Yank" (1)

"….Piotr's Russian", said Sabertooth

"….Oh", Pyro blinked, then shrugged, chomping on his veggie-mited-toast, "meh"

"Can we all please just get along?", sighed Magneto, "just for one day"

"Only if you let me go to the casino", said Remy.

"I am not going to feed your gambling problem, Remy", said Magneto simply.

"I don't have a gambling problem!", snapped Remy.

"No?", asked Sabertooth, "I bet ya ten buck that ya do"

"You're on!", said Remy, then blinked, "…heeeey"

"See?", said Sabertooth, "an' you smoke"

"And you are a womanising, lying, cheating thief", put in Piotr, then blinked, "sorry, I thought we were listing his faults"

"Nobody's perfect", muttered Remy, crossing his arms, "and at least I get to sleep with women, unlike the rest of you"

"I slept with Raven, and that ended up bein' the biggest mistake of my life", said Sabertooth, "it 'aint nice knowing you've spawned an evil child"

"Quite frankly, I'm surprised that Graydon wasn't born in the fires of Hades, considering his parentage", said Magneto.

"Oh, don't you start!", said Sabertooth, "the twins hate you, one's a psychopath and the other's in the closet!"

"Pietro is as gay as Piotr", said Magneto (2)

Piotr glared at Magneto, saying something that didn't sound very nice in Russian.

"I'm saving myself for Kathy Bates", said Pyro, then blinked as his team mates looked at him curiously, "she'll come around"

"….Well, at least we don't have a love child", said Remy, "**never meant to beeee**" (3)

"Shut up, Remy", said Jason, "just shut up"

"Awww, cheer up, Jas", said Pyro, flicking the lighter he'd grabbed from the 'deserted' island, "it can't be that bad"

"I think you'll find it is", said Jason, then blinked, "…the tablecloths on fire"

"**St.John!**", snapped Magneto, "put it out! What have I told you about fires?"

"Make sure they're controlled ones?", he asked, "awww, come on, boss, it's only a little fire"

"Don't make me force you to watch that cartoon with the fireflies again", warned Magneto

Pyro sobbed.

"Not that, **NOT THAT!**" (4)

There was the sound of a voice being cleared from behind them, Magneto sighed, looking over at Regan, who had her arms crossed.

"Management says if they find another burned item, they're going to be charging it to your account", she said.

"Don't worry", smiled Magneto charmingly, glancing over at where Jason was trying to slide under the table from his seat. "it won't happen again"

"Good, it better not", she said.

"Hi, Babe", said Remy, grinning at her, "how **YOU** doin'?" (5)

"Hello Ronny", said Regan, "…I'm fine"

Remy gave her a charming smile.

"Actually, it's Remy", he reminded her, then smirked, "hey, you haven't met Jason yet, have yo –**OWWW!**"

Remy looked at the foot that Jason had just trodden on sadly.

"….O…kay", blinked Regan, "….is he always like this?"

"Unfortunately", said Jason.

Remy sent a scowl Jason's way.

"Qui, Jason's from Europe", he said, "guess what, he's an illusionist too"

_I really would shut up now, if I were you_, came Jason's 'voice' in his head.

_Don't want to_, replied Remy smugly, putting up his telepath-go-away image.

"**ARGGGH!**", screamed Regan, "naked fat man!"

"See? She's just as bad as you!", snapped Remy, "prying into people's heads where she's not wanted! Yeah, I can see the relation now!"

"Pardon?", blinked Regan

"Do you know that little voice inside your head that tells you to quit while you're ahead?", asked Jason sweetly, "**you don't have one!**" (6)

"Way to go, Remy", said Sabertooth, "we coulda stung this on fer days, really made him squirm"

"Now, Miss…um", Magneto paused, "….Wyngarde?"

Jason looked at Magneto flatly.

"Her last named wouldn't be Wyngarde", he said.

"Yes, yes Jason, I realise that now", growled Magneto, then smiled at her, "lets be calm about this…"

Regan narrowed her eyes at Jason.

"You're my father?", she asked, "The guy that abandoned my mother and me before I was born?"

"Ummm……yes?", tried Jason, wincing, "errr…sorry?"

Regan stalked over to him, looking at him with narrowed eyes.

"If he dies, I claim all the cool stuff in his room", said Pyro.

Regan glared at Jason for a full minute.

"**DADDY!**", she squealed, hugging him.

"……Meh?", blinked Jason, then squeaked, "….not breathing…"

"Oh, I **knew **you'd come and find me one day, Daddy!", babbled Regan, "Mom always said you wouldn't, but I knew you would!** OH**, this is so cool!. We've got to catch up on stuff, and you can buy me a pony"

"…Pony?", blinked Jason as he was dragged away.

"Pony or death", growled Regan.

Jason whimpered, looking back at the team as he was dragged off.

"Alas, poor Jazzy, I knew him well", sighed Pyro, then smiled, "who's up for a game of Hungry, Hungry Hippos?"

**&&&**

(1) – From the lovely Kira, see, I promised I'd use it ;)

(2) – Comic joke. Ultimate Piotr is gay, and dating Ultimate Northstar. Oh, and Kurt's a homophobe. Fun.

(3) – Dinah Ross's 'Love Child', if you're wondering.

(4) – In the UK, we had a fire-safety cartoon short with fireflies. It was about playing with matches. She burned her wings off. It was a bloody traumatic cartoon.

(5) – Sorry, I couldn't resist. **SORRY!**

(6) – From the Road to ElDorado. (Waves at Skysong)

Another chapter done and dusted. Not many of these left now, but still, the madness shall continue! Do review. Until next time…


	11. Burning love

It's a fun life on a boat

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "Do you go around drenching everyone who comes into your room with flame-retardant chemicals? No wonder you're single"

**&&&**

Yeah, late, my apologies, I had the crappiest of crappy weeks.

**&&&&**

Chapter 11 – Burning love.

**&&&**

By the next day, the Acolytes still hadn't seen hide nor hair of Jason.

"I'm tellin' ya, she killed him, an' hid the body", said Sabertooth.

"Where would she hide a body?", blinked Remy.

"Under the floorboards, duh", said Sabertooth.

Remy blinked at him for a long time.

"….We're on a boat"

"Have you just realised that?", asked Sabertooth with a smirk, "silly Cajun"

Remy narrowed his eyes, before standing.

"I'm goin' to de casino"

"What happened to you being able not to gamble?", asked Piotr.

"We're docking in five hours", said Remy, "we go back home, I miss my chance. I'm gonna go earn me some money and dignity back"

"Good luck on that last one", said Magneto dryly, where he was reading a newspaper.

Remy ignored him, walking off, blinking oddly at Pyro, who was looking at what seemed to be a hot-pocket of some sort.

"Hey, where'd you get that?", asked Sabertooth, "an' why didn't you get me one?"

"I got it from the island", said Pyro, "and I wanted to treat myself"

"You should take that to the kitchen", said Magneto pointedly.

"I can cook it here", said Pyro, squinting at the packet, "twenty minutes!"

He paused, seemingly calculating something in his head.

"If it takes 20 minutes at 250 degrees", he pondered, then grinned, "it should only take 2 minutes at 2500 degrees!" (1)

"Pyro, **NO**!", snapped Magneto.

"Awww", Pyro sighed, "I only want to burn something. I haven't burned something for ages"

"You burned your mattress an hour ago", said Piotr.

"…..Besides that", said Pyro, "I'm going into withdrawal!"

"I don't care", said Magneto, "you can wait until we dock, and when we get home"

"Assumin' we find Jas in once piece", snickered Sabertooth.

"Shut up, Victor", said Jason as he walked over, "just shut up"

"Hey, you're back", grinned Sabertooth, "an' yer not dead either!"

"I can't take it anymore", said Jason, "I'd consider throwing myself overboard, but she's probably keep my dead carcass in a rocking chair like that creepy Bates guy!" (2)

"I could always give you a Viking funeral", piped up Pyro

Jason blinked at him for a few long moments.

"….Okay, I give", he said, "what's a Viking funeral, and more to the point, why would it interest you?"

"Well, ya see", said Pyro, grabbing a bread roll and sticking a sausage on it, "the Vikings put their dead on a boat, and set them out to sea"

"Okay", blinked Jason, "that answers question one…"

"And then they set the little boat on **fire**", grinned Pyro, "**LIKE THIS!**"

With a maniacal cackle, he set both bread roll and sausage upon it on fire. Magneto calmly plucked it up, dumping it in the nearby lobster tank without even looking up from his newspaper.

"And that explains question two", Jason grimaced, "I think I'll pass"

"Your loss", said Pyro with a shrug.

"If yer that worried about her, why don't ya just wipee her memories like ya did with the crazy chick?", asked Sabertooth.

"I do not like my daughter being referred to as 'The Crazy Chick'", frowned Magneto, "Wanda had issues"

"Yeah", said Pyro with a giggle, "wanting to kill her daddy issues"

"Shut. Up. Now", growled Magneto, then looked at Jason, "you could erase her memories though"

"Tried it", said Jason, "she caught me out. She said if I did it again, I would be a 'Bad Daddy', and she'd have to kill me to make an example"

"…..Wow", said Sabertooth, "She's even more messed up than Wanda"

"I do not know", mused Piotr, "that is quite a stretch"

"Will you stop discussing the sanity of my daughter?", frowned Magneto.

"But she is crazy boss", said Pyro, "as crazy as pie"

Magneto watched him for a long, long time.

"…As crazy as…", he shook his head, "if anyone is as crazy as a baked good around here, it's you"

"Why, thank you, Magsie", grinned Pyro, "that's the nicest thing you ever did say"

"….I wonder if the bars open yet", mused Magneto

**&&&&&**

Elsewhere on the ship, Remy had indeed thrown in the towel, and was gambling away…..and losing. Darn, soon he'd have to start dealing his 'special' deck into the pile and playing with his loaded dice.

"Gambit needs a new home", he muttered under his breath as he palmed a few cards into his hands, "with a swimmin' pool and a fully stocked bar…oooh an' an electric fence, to keep my team mates away"

"….Sir, you are aware you have been mumbling to yourself for quite some time", smiled the dealer.

Remy glanced at her and gave her a winning smile.

"Jus' t'inkin' on how beautiful you look, Chere", he said.

She blushed and giggled, handing him her number.

"Damn, I'm good", grinned Remy, pocketing it, "I mean, I don' even have to TRY anymore"

"…Good for you, I'm sure the host of illegitimate children you'll create will be very proud"

Remy squeaked, falling off the stool to look up at Halloway.

"You", he growled, then paused, "…wait, do I know you?"

"Maybe", she said, "were you one of the punks who broke into my girls camp and dragged the ladies off for a night of debauchery in Las Vegas?"

Remy squinted in thought.

"….I _might_ have", he said, then frowned, "…it sounds like somet'ing I would do"

"….You can't even remember?", blinked Halloway.

Remy shrugged.

"My adoptive father dropped me on my head once", he smiled, "you can still feel the dent in my skull"

Halloway blinked at him for the better part of a minute, before sighing, sitting next to him.

"So, what's your game? Poker?"

**&&&&**

"Only four hours to go", chanted Jason, where he rocked in his chair, "four more hours and we'll be on land, and I can run away and hide"

"Do not worry Jason", said Piotr, "I am sure she will never find us in our super secret hideout"

"If she does, we'll move", commented Magneto

Piotr's smile faded.

"….Aww, I do not want to be put on box carrying duty again!", he said, "you can not even make up your mind where you are wanting me to put the boxes!"

"It keeps you honest", said Magneto.

"……We're villains, since when was being honest an issue for us?", asked Jason.

"We can be honest villains", said Magneto.

"I am here"

Everyone paused to blink at Pyro as he watched a TV screen on one of the walls, showing the boat moving along. Next to it was a little map, with a flashing light indicating where the boat was. Sabertooth was currently watching the light with fascination, clearly his mind in some kitty-land.

"We know you're here", said Magneto, "we wish you **weren't**"

"I don't trust those 'You Are Here' signs", said Pyro, "I mean, how do they **know** where you are?"

"….Does anyone else want to field this question?", sighed Magneto.

"No, let the little freak get paranoid", said Jason, then smirked, "they're **watching **you, Pyro"

Pyro's eyes widened as he looked around.

"….I see them", he whispered.

"…Great, thanks a lot, Jason", snapped Magneto, "you're not the one who'll have to sit with him in his room until he falls asleep tonight!"

"They'll cut out my spleen", whimpered Pyro, "I need my spleen…..I think"

"…We can not get home quick enough", groaned Magneto as Sabertooth began batting at the flashing light.

"….Sparkly"

**&&&**

(1) – From Fosters Home for Imaginary Friends. Been saving that one for a while.

(2) – Physco, if you're wondering. I believe this movie (the original version, mind you) is one of the films a person SHOULD see in their lifetime.

The next chapter will be the last, as I'm starting work placement on the 1st of May, and need time to get it sorted out, plus I will only be posting during the weekend for 6 weeks after that date, so it's easier just having one fic to worry about than two. This is by no means the end of the series, though, heck, no. Do review. Until next time…


	12. Home sweet home

It's a fun life on a boat

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "I hate to bring up our imminent arrest during your crazy time, but we gotta move."

**&&&&**

Here it is, the final chapter. If you want a particular group to be used next time (which won't actually be started until at least the summer, damn uni work) do give them a shout out in your review. If a group gets a majority vote, I'll write them next.

**&&&**

Chapter 12 – Home sweet home

**&&&**

"Look, there it is, it is land, sweet, merciful land!"

Magneto sighed as Piotr grinned happily out of the window as the ship started its way back into port. You could have sworn the huge mutant had just been cleared of a death row sentence, been given a sack full of cash, and a puppy to sweeten the deal.

"Yes, Peter, it is land", he sighed, "where are the rest of the Idiot Patrol"

"**LAND!**"

"….I'll go find them on my own then", said Magneto, muttering as he left "I knew I blackmailed the wrong Rasputin, I bet his sister is tougher than he is"

Still muttering to himself, he walked into the casino, where Remy was still playing away. The Cajun looked up at his arrival, grinning.

"Erik, you're here! Great!", he said, "Quick, give me de keys to your Mercedes, this is a sure-fire bet, an' we'll win a pool!"

Magneto narrowed his eyes.

"There's no way in hell I'm going to let you put a bet on my car"

"But I'll win!", said Remy, "aww, come on, a pool! T'ink of de fun we'll have with a pool!"

"No"

Remy pouted.

"Spoilsport"

"I don't care", said Magneto, "get ready, we're about to dock"

With that, he turned on his heel, heading for the exit. Remy watched him so, still pouting, before grinning, opening his hand and looking at the car keys he'd swiped from Magneto's pocket.

"Boo-yah"

**&&&**

"And I can reach you on this number at any time, Daddy?"

Jason gave his best fake smile at Regan as he handed her the number of the nearest Deli.

"Of **course**", he said, "any time, day or night"

"An' if ya call between eleven an' twelve, ya get a free soda", said Sabertooth with a grin form where he was trying to claw a lobster out of it's tank in the dining room.

Jason shot him a withering glare, then smiled at Regan.

"He's part cat, the water's done something to his brain"

"Oh…kay", Regan blinked, then skipped off, "bye Daddy!"

"…If she finds me, I want you to promise me you'll bite my head off", said Jason.

"Can I do it anyway? Y'Know, just in case?", grinned Sabertooth.

"Not surprisingly, I'd rather not", he replied.

"Here, kitty, kitty, kitty"

Sabertooth dropped the lobster he had caught and jumped away form the tank as he heard the sound of kitty biscuits being shaken in their box.

"I smell", he paused, sniffing, "Meow Mix!"

Jason arched a brow as Sabertooth grinned, running off to the sound.

"I want chicken, I want liiii-ver", sang the feline mutant, "Meow Mix, Meow Mix, please deliii-ver!"

Sabertooth didn't get too far when a metallic humm sounded, a huge cat crate closing around him.

"Hey!"

"I'm sorry, Victor", said Magneto, "but the captain insisted that all livestock are to be kept under control"

"I'm not livestock!", whimpered Sabertooth.

"That's a matter of opinion", said Jason.

"….You could have at least given me my biscuits", sulked Sabertooth.

"Shut up", said Magneto, "where's Pyro?"

"He muttered something about flambé", said Jason, "I stopped listening after a while and he went away"

"Oh dear God, the kitchen!", said Magneto, floating off.

"…I'll just stay here with the cat, should I?", asked Jason.

**&&&&**

"I'm gonna have a burny, burning time, I'll burn all daylooooong**"**

Pyro was singing happily from where he'd broken into the kitchen, the staff fleeing for their lives as one of the ovens became a metal box, surrounded by a big ball of fire.

"Yes, all day long, I'll be singing the burning song", sang Pyro, "one more time now…."

"**NO**!", snapped Magneto, hovering in, "no more times!"

He looked around at the carnage with a tired sigh.

"St.John, how many times have I told you about setting kitchens alight?", he said.

"More than once, but less than a million?", tried Pyro.

Magneto rubbing his forehead.

"I'm getting a migraine", he muttered, "just put the damn thing out"

"…..But it's so pretty", said Pyro.

"Put. It. Out. **NOW!**"

"Okay, okay, seesh", said Pyro, waving a hand at the fireball, making it dissipate, then looking up as Remy walked in, "hey, Gambit, stay away from Magsie, he's ruining everyone's fun and being mean"

Remy glanced at Magneto's clearly not happy face, and gave a nervous laugh.

"….I can see dis isn't a good time for you…I'll come back later"

Magneto narrowed his eyes.

"What have you done?"

"No'ting", said Remy with a smile, "…..well, not'ing much, anyway…"

"Gambit", growled Magneto.

"Okay!", yelped the Cajun, "I may have lost your car in a bet"

"You did what?", snapped Magneto, "how did you even get the keys from…oh, look who I'm talking to"

"Don' worry, we'll get a new one!"

"I liked that one", said Magneto, "I took my wife for our first date in that"

"……You had a wife?", blinked Pyro.

"Sure he did", said Remy, "Magsie, he cries about her when he's drunk"

"Magda, Mag-da!", snapped Magneto, "and she died, I have a right to be upset"

"I never thought anyone would want to date him, let alone marry him", said Pyro.

"…..Where do you think the twins came from?", asked Magneto.

"I thought you'd created them in a lab or something", said Pyro.

Magneto looked at him steadily, before walking out.

"We are getting off this boat", he said, "and when we get home, I expect you to all go away and leave me alone for a long, long time"

**&&&&&**

"Who missed her Daddy? Did you miss your Daddy? Yes, yes you did!"

Sabertooth was currently cuddling Rabid tightly, speaking in a semi-coherent baby-babble at the tiger.

"Did Warren feed you right?", he asked.

"Considering that sizable chunk of feathers that have gone missing from one of his wings, I'd say so", said Jason.

"Well, he deserved it", sad Sabertooth, "he's a freak anyway, right? Yes, yes he is?"

"Do you two want a room or someth'ing?", asked Remy, arching a brow at him.

"Shadup, Cajun", snapped Sabertooth, "it's your fault Magneto locked us in and went off ta get drunk"

"I knew there was a downside to living in a metal sphere that only a metal manipulator could open", said Pyro, "I just never thought of it 'till now"

"I am just glad to be back on land", smiled Piotr, "my head feels normal. I can eat again!"

"Yeah, it wasn't dat bad of a trip", said Remy, "I got about twenty eight phone numbers, we had adventures on a deserted island, Jason met his daughter"

"We do not speak of her!", said Jason.

"…Geez, Remy, which cruise were you on?", asked Sabertooth, "'cause it sounds more fun that the one we were on"

He paused.

"You weren't high or nothin' were ya?"

"……Dats de last time I try and put a positive spin on anyt'ing", muttered Remy.

"God bless us, every one", said Pyro

**&&&&&**

And we now bid our Acolytes adieu. Remember to give a shout out to whatever group you'd like to see tortured next. Do review. Thanks for reading!


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